I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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