also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
