we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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