I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
