if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Im part way to drunk.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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