I just threw up on my dentist
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
