If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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