I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
