P.S. I can't hear my feet
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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