My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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