wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
