Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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