So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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