I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
