So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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