speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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