I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
