Need sex. Gaining weight.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
