just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I am midnight drunk by noon
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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