I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
