God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
