i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
