I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
