I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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