i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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