I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
