I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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