if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
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