Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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