my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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