no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
