just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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