If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
