My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
