Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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