I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
