Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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