I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
