I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
