No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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