i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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