hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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