Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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