She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize