I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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