Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
