i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
