My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
