She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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