When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
