I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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