I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
smell my finger.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
