i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
